The drunken adventures of Legolas and Gimli
by Prof. Posiee Woe
Summary: Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and Gandalf encounter Wormtongue at a local bar... now why does this put them an a mission to go to Minas Tirith... once they're there they don't know why! hiatus/abandoned
1. Wormtounge or Egnuotmrow?

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. However much I wish, I still do not own any of these Characters or Places. I do own some of the sayings in here so I do at least get some

credit.

A/N: ok, so this was the former "the drunken adventures of Legolas and Gimli" but it was deleted because it was in play form I think so… I'm feeling slightly more descriptive today so just read this again and review. Oh ya, I forgot to mention last time that my bff Amelia (aabbhh2) wrote this with me… or at least the play, the story version is mine though! Ha ha ha! (grins evilly)

A man sat at the counter, his head drooping. He had apparently had too much to drink. He sat on a dusty stool that matched the rest. The bar was nearly empty except for 4 other people. A very tall man with a white robe and beard seemed to be the leader of the group. His followers included a grubby and dirty man, an extraordinarily clean pointy eared man and a very, very drunk, short man with a braided, red beard.

(A/N I know that only Aragorn is a "man" but how else was I supposed to describe it?)

Three of the men had large tankards of ale. The only one who seemed to be sober was the one in white. "The ring is all together silly," he grunted. The wizard looked around at the others. They all began to show signs of consciousness.

"I believe you're right, dear Gandalf," said the Dwarf. "I think I'll have another ale!"

"I agree!" said the grubby man who turned out to be Aragorn

"Let us toast to Frodo's stupidity!" said the other one, who had very pointy ears and appeared to be an elf.

"To Frodo's stupidity!" three of the party said in unison. Gandalf was the only one who seemed to slightly like the gay hobbit

(A/N I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST GAY PPL! Don't even think about saying that I do)

"It's nice to be free!" Aragorn grinned widely, not making any sense, and set his tankard down on the dusty table.

"Yes it is!" agreed Legolas

"I wonder what's for dinner…" Aragorn changed the subject.

"I heard we're having chicken!" answered the slightly sensible Legolas

"If we were in Mirkwood we might be able to catch a nice squirrel!" exclaimed the slightly drunk, no wait… really drunk, Gimli, Legolas glaring at him across the table.

"Don't worry Legolas; I know for a fact that they never actually caught any squirrels." Replied the wizard reasonably. Legolas roared with laughter.

The man at the bar stirred and lifted his head. He slowly dragged himself off of the grimy seat and lumbered toward the small group. "Ah, it's Gandalf the grey." He said pointedly to Gandalf

"White" Gandalf corrected quietly.

"What are you doing here Wormtongue?" asked Aragorn, completely sober now.

"Didn't I shoot you?" asked the confused Legolas

"No, that was my twin brother Eugnotmrow! Kind of a cool name huh? As for the ranger's question—"

"I'm the KING! Not a ranger." Said Aragorn proudly

"Whatever. Well, it's none of your business what I'm doing here!" said Wormtongue

"It certainly is our business!" said Gimli, no, wait… hiccupped Gimli.

"You're drunk!"

"Yes I am! And it's a good thing too, otherwise I might be calling you grandfather!" Gimli replied, hiccupping in between words.

"Was that supposed to make sense?" Aragorn asked Legolas quietly.

"I don't think so," the elf replied.

"Would you be so kind as to tell us what you are doing here Wormtongue?" asked Gandalf.

"All right, I confess. I plan to take over Rohan by hypnotizing king

Theoden, then help Saruman to create an army of uruk-hi to kill you all. Savvy?"

"Wait, didn't you already do that?" asked Legolas

"Um… yah, you're right…"

"Don't change the subject!" said Aragorn

"oh yes… where were we? Oh, now I remember! All right, I confess. I plan to take over Rohan by hypnotizing king Theoden, and then help Saruman to create an army of uruk-hi to kill you all. Savvy?" Gimli tried to punch Wormtongue in the head but the stupid, drunk, hiccupping red head was too short so instead punched him in the groin.

"Hey! My dad's name is Groin!" Gimli commented

"No, no, Gimli, it's Gloin not Groin." Corrected Gandalf. Wormtongue groaned in pain and fell to his knees clutching his crotch.

"Whoops, sorry grandfather, I missed!"

"Does that mean you're sober! No, it doesn't matter, off to Minas Tirith!" Gandalf said slamming his ugly white staff into the groin… no I mean ground. Gimli raised his ax in agreement but toppled onto Wormtongue's head.

"Nice one Gimli!" Legolas said in praise.

"Concussion!" Wormtongue remarked

"Good!" Aragorn said turning his back on the extremely strange scene and opened the door. The other three followed on they're way to the White City.


	2. Climbing the tree

BloodRose2: thankies! I'm really not sure how you spell that but I'll spell it differently every time knowing me.

Aabbhh2: TIS MY STORY NOW! Muhahahahaha

Climbing the Tree

The four companions marched, or in Gimli's case, stumbled on their way towards Gondor's capitol. "We're off to Minas Tirith, the white city!" the three less suitable of the party sang.

"You're all drunk!" Gandalf stated accusingly

"No we're not!" defended the elf, pointlessly. For he then made a hiccupping noise and turned to Aragorn for help.

"Yah, he's right! Only Gimli is!" this did not help the matter, for he tripped and then began to hiccup as well. Gimli however did support the fact that he was drunk. He gurgles loudly.

"Right, let's be quiet while I think of an acceptable excuse to tell Arowen when her husband comes home drunk!" Gandalf ordered

"You won't have to!" Aragorn said, ruining Gandalf train of thought.

"Yah! If she gets mad I'll shoot her!"

"Oh, yes. That solves the problem wonderfully!" Gandalf said, rolling his eyes.

"So we can be loud now!" Aragorn yelled, completely missing the sarcasm in Gandalf's voice. As the odd foursome neared the city, a white tree came into view.

Gimli pointed at it and said, "look! It's a white tree! I think I will climb it!"

"Be careful!" Aragorn ordered, more than warned

"If you're not, I'll shoot you!" Legolas threatened. Gimli ran over to the tree and began to climb. He hit his head on a branch and began to fall. Legolas, attempting to follow through on his threat, tried to grab an arrow but he was so drunk that he couldn't grasp one.

Gandalf shook his head, "It's a good thing you two don't have wives, or else I would have to make up more excuses!"

"But I do have a, wife! She is the beautiful lady Galadriel!" Gimli exclaimed

"But she's married to Celeborn!" Legolas said sensibly.

"Don't remind me." Gimli muttered.

"It's to bad your cousin, Barlin, died. I was really looking forward to that malt beer and ripe meet of the bone!" Aragorn changed the subject.

(A/N I'm really hungry now… maybe I'll go have lunch)

"I was going to have a funeral for him but after that cave troll smashed him to bits I gave up on that idea." Gimli replied

The four continued on all the few yards to the entrance silently. (wow!) as the got very close Arowen came running out and embraced Aragorn.

"Hi honey!" Aragorn hiccupped "you got more beautiful while I was away!"

"You've been drinking, you bad boy!" Arowen scolded, "Go take a bath!"

"Yah, LET'S go take a BATH!" Aragorn and Arowen walked into Minas Tirith and Gimli and Legolas followed whispering and giggling uncontrollably.

A/N ya, I know that it's short but I'll update soon. If you have any Ideas just go click the little button on the left/bottom corner. If you don't have any ideas… go click the little button in the left/bottom corner anyways


	3. Spying

A/N: so, this chapter is a bit… well, you know… odd. I did write it after all! So this is the chapter that got the story deleted last time so I will say now that if someone thinks that this isn't let me know before you report it so that I can change it.

Elvin BlueEyes: thanks for the ideas! I'm defiantly using the 2nd one! That's hilarious! Thanks for reviewing! You were my only one! 

Spying

Aragorn and Arwen sat a giant bath. They were both completely naked. "I love you," said Arwen.

"Me too" said Aragorn and he kissed her nose… then they did something that was quite un pg13 and we shall not go into details.

Gimli and Legolas sat up in a very large window seat that looked out over the bathroom. Very stupid architecture if you ask me… Gimli began to giggle uncontrollably and he had to turn his face away from the non pg13 scene.

"Did you hear that?" asked Arwen in reaction to Gimli's laughing.

"No, it's your imagination." Replied Aragorn. Legolas made a quieting noise to Gimli and Aragorn said, "Did you hear that?"

"No, it was your imagination" Arwen replied. Both Gimli and Legolas giggled and quieted each other.

Arwen and Aragorn both said in unison "did you hear that?"

"Gimli?" Aragorn Accused and Gimli fell out of his hiding place and splashed into the tub making it over flow.

"Gimli! Hurry up and get out of there!" yelled Legolas, disappearing from his hiding place. Gimli slowly backed away and out of the door, dripping with water. Once he was outside and the door was closed Gimli and Aragorn laughed, and laughed, and laughed for about 1 million years…

A/N: not really, obviously…


	4. dissapointment

A/N: well… it's been a while since I updated… well for those of you who are still sadly waiting for me to update here's another one… however short… also, thabks to Elvin BlueEyes for the idea of aragroin…

Midnight star fire day: ah, why thank you, tomato head… JK!

Rohansoldiernumber8: I couldn't have said it better myself!

aabbhh2: lol!

legendrider : for your info… I have read the books… well only half of the 1st one… but I just can't spell anything! Thanks for the correction! If I spell anything else wrng please let me know!

Disappointment

In some room or another Gandalf, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli sat on the floor. (don't ask me why…) The Wizard was saying to the bored Aragorn, the ashamed Legolas and the inattentive, cross-eyed Gimli, "I have never seen worse behavior! They are a married couple and they have the right! I don't want you two near that bath again! Do you understand me?" He paced throwing annoyed looks at the guilty pair (Legolas and Gimli… if you didn't know… wow… if you don't know that go read the other chapters… and while you're at it go R and R my other stories…)

Legolas hung his head. The dwarf, on the other hand, got an amused expression on his face and said, "um… no, could you repeat that?"

Gandalf repeated himself: "I have never seen worse behavior! They are a married couple and they have the right! I don't want you two near that bath again! Do you understand me?"

"um… no, could you repeat that?"

"I have never seen-"

Gandalf was interrupted by Legolas, "would you SHUT UP?"

Gimli grinned at Legolas, "oh, uh ya, sorry Legolas"

Aragorn, who was obviously drunk said in a very forgiving way "let's all have an ale and forget the whole thing!"

"Yeah, Aragroin!" Gimli said… putting the emphasis on groin.

All 3 of them laughed like the proverbial drain…(what does that mean? Someone please tell me what laughing has to do with proverbs and plumbing!) Gandalf looked disapprovingly at the hysterical threesome and said, "Well, if you have to have ale, could it be non-alcoholic ale?"

They ignored Gandalf's obvious insult to alcohol and Aragorn said, "The only problem is that Arwen has a problem with being seen naked."

Just then Arwenentered the room and said, "no I don't it's just not in front of Legolas"

Gimli raised his eyebrows at her and said, "Have you gone mad?"

Legolas, joining in the fun of Arwen bashing/annoying, "I'm like your 2nd cousin or something! Gimli's not even related to you! It's him you should be embarrassed about!"

Arwen blushed mumbling, "Oh, well I-"

A/N: yeah, I know it's short but oh well… go read my other stories… please? I have muffins… now go and review my nice ickle friends!


	5. Bye, Bye Arwen

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in AGES! I also just saw that I'm on the C2 for the worst LotR fanfics in history… my life goal is now complete!

midnight star fire day: I'm actually not sure that he is… maybe he's not… oh crud! Oh well…

Macabre Love: thanks! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update. I hope you're still going to read this, even though it's been ages.

Bye Bye Arwen!

Arwen, Gimli, and Aragorn were all sitting in Arwen's room. None of the men seemed to be able to speak, but Arwen was livid. Gimli was silently attempting, and failing, to stifle his laughter.

"I'm Leaving!" Arwen announced

Gimli stopped laughing long enough to say "don't forget to write!" then he was back on the floor rolling around, clutching his stomach. Aragorn looked daggers at the dwarf and put his arm around his Fiancé.

"You're such a sick minded dwarf!" Arwen exclaimed jumping up

"That's not very nice!" Gimli stopped laughing but then got a look on his face, which said all to clearly 'CHEESE!' and then said "you should be kind to your elders!"

"YOU ARE SOOOOO NOT MY ELDER!" Screamed Arwen and she stormed out

"She's right isn't she?' Gimli had time to say before Arwen popped her head through the door again.

"Where's Legolas?" she asked

"In his room. I think he's crying." Aragorn said still glaring at Gimli. Arwen exited and knocked on Legolas's door.

"Legolas? Can I come in?" Without waiting for an answer she opened his door.

"Wait." Legolas said, "I don't get it! What is the point of asking if you're just going to come in anyway? What in the name of pantyhose is the point?"

"Pantyhose?" Arwen asked ironically "no one wears pantyhose. Those are for the future people. Not us… and especially not you!"

"Whatever… where were we? Oh yes" A little light bulb appeared above his head but, sadly, no one noticed. "No, I'm not okay!"

He started fake crying but, mistaking it for real crying, Arwen patted him on the shoulder and asked "why?"

"Aragorn's mad at me!"

"Is that all? I'm sure you'll make up, but I'm leaving and never coming back so, ciao!"

"It's not all! Gimli's mad at me too!"

"Um… ok then. That's good for him… you know, he's someone who might wear pantyhose… you should give his some for his birthday!" Legolas began bawling even harder "that's not all, is it?"

"No, I want some Ale…"

"You appalling twit! You're starting to sound like Gimli!"

"Please?"

"Oh, all right!" She said, ringing the bell for ale "Gandalf is going to kill me, though."

As soon as the bell rang you could hear, even on the other side of the castle, Gandalf's distinct roar "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. ARWEN!"

A/N: once again, I'm sorry that I haven't updated in ages, and I hope I still have some readers out there! Please review, even though I don't deserve it.


	6. Sorry

A/N: ok, I'm bored so I'll write the next bit too…

Sorry

After Legolas had a reviving mug of Ale, he said to Arwen "look, Arwen, I'm sorry about spying on you. Will you please stay?"

She smiled "it's ok, I'm going to stay. But that perverted dwarf will pay if he doesn't apologize!"

Legolas, taking this moment to be stupid, said "um… he's kind of broke, so I don't know how he'll pay but…"

"I meant with his life, not with his money!"

"You mean his non-existent money!" Legolas grinned like the idiot that he truly is and Gimli waltzed in totally out idioting Legolas.

"Hey Arwen?" He said

"Yes, perverted dwarf with non-existent money?" She said in a lighthearted way.

"I just wanted to tell you that- hey! What did you call me?"

"A perverted dwarf with non-existent money!"

"Perverted? Legolas was the one who had the idea! I just went along with him!"

A/N: can you imagine Leggy being like that? I know that he's ooc but… that's why this is the C2 for the worst LotR fanfics… right?

"Not me!" Legolas automatically denied it.

"I hate you Legolas!" She said and Legolas stormed out of the room.

"What where you saying Gimli?" asked Arwen

"Well, I was going to say that I was sorry but then you called me a perverted dwarf with non-existent money and you told my best friend that you hated him so I guess you should be the one apologizing!" exclaimed the dwarf.

"I will not apologize!" She screamed.

Legolas poked his head through the door and said "Hey Gimli! Aragorn and I are going to Lothlorian! Want to come?"

"To visit the babe? I'm coming!" Gimli jumped up and ran out the door.

A/N: yes, I know. It's short… but I just did 2 of them, so that should keep up busy!


	7. Double Trouble

A/N: I'm bored again and even though it's only been a day since my last update and none of my friends have bothered reading this… I'll update anyway. I owe it to you guys anyway, since I hadn't updated in AGES!

Double Trouble

Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn outside. Gimli was sitting down, claiming that it was to much energy to stand, Legolas was leaning against the white tree in what he thought was a sexy and cool way, and Aragorn was doing high-knees in a circle around them.

"So," Legolas flicked his hair back "shall we go?'

"Yep!" Gimli stood up "Let's go."

"But we have to wait-"Aragorn said.

"And I just stood up for nothing then?" Gimli cut Aragorn off and plopped back down on the ground.

"Why are we waiting?" Legolas asked

"We're waiting for Glorfindel!" Aragorn stopped doing high knees and started doing crunches.

"You invited another elf?" Gimli stared wide-eyed at Aragorn "I can hardly stand one elf, and that's Legolas and he's not so bad,"

"Oh, that's nice, isn't it?' Legolas rolled his eyes

Gimli continued, ignoring Legolas "but two elves is just way too much!

"Oh well, you'll live!" Aragorn said cheerfully beginning to do pushups

Glorfindel walked over to the odd threesome and held up two fingers "peace out dude!" He said. Gimli jumped up and Legolas and Aragorn just stared at Glorfindel. "Oh! I almost forgot! Elrond let me borrow his new shiny sunglasses for the trip and I borrowed his hippy headband and tie die shirt! I even got us all matching ones! They all just stared at him. Glorfindel got 4 matching tie-die shirts out and handed one to each of them.

After they had all changed into their hippy shirts and bandanas, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and Glorfindel set off to Lothlorian.

A/N: okay, I know this is total crap but PLEASE review to tell me how bad you think it is! Please? I'll give you pancakes… or parsnips… or cheese… or even sausages!


	8. Don't hurt the snails!

A/N: w00t! so, only 2 people read this… but oh well… I'm bored once again so I will write another chappy!

aabbhh2: yo! You can have some of the cheese!

Fuzzor: hippie clothes rock!

**Don't hurt the snails!**

Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and Glorfindel, all in their intense hippie gear, had made camp about a day away from Lothlorien. Glorfindel and Aragorn were both sleeping but Legolas and Gimli were awake, indulging in ale.

Out of the blue, Glorfindel, who was still sleeping and wearing a tie die headband, said, "I love snails!" and then snored very loudly.

Gimli looked at Legolas with one eyebrow raised "that was random!" Legolas nodded his agreement and yawned.

Aragorn, who was also snoring and wearing a tie die shirt, said, "I have rock solid abs!"

"That was also random…" Gimli commented.

A loud snore escaped Legolas's mouth/nose and he said, "my butt is made of granite!"

"Really? Let me feel!" Gimli exclaimed and, with an evil glint in his eyes, pinched Legolas's butt. Legolas made a sound that indicated that he was surprised, more than hurt. Gimli quickly pretended to be asleep, snoring in a drunken way.

Legolas's eyes glinted in an equally evil way and he snored in an obviously fake way to anyone normal (i.e. not Gimli), nearly choking on laughter.

Gimli, being the not so bright dwarf that he was, said, "few! That was close!"

Legolas grabbed a spatula and hit Gimli on the head and roared "GIMLI!"

A/N: spatula is such a bizarre word… I just had to add that in…

Gimli started running away from the dangerous elf… and the equally dangerous spatula, treading on Aragorn's 'rock solid abs.'

As an automatic reaction to being stepped on, Aragorn whacked Glorfindel, still sleeping. Glorfindel yelled out in despair "no! No! Don't hurt the snails!"

A/N: you know, you really SHOULD review this… even if you hate my guts… which you so should by now…


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